America has decided it’s not fat enough.
Fast food is bad for you. Any medical professional with tell you this. They’ve made documentaries about this. A LOT of them. Yet we keep shoveling it down because it’s cheap, often tastes well, and like the title implies, it’s fast. We devour tons upon tons of this ghastly culinary melange every year, mostly placid about how we’re destroying our innards. We’re indifferent that the fast food providers are blissfully content with taking our money in exchange for fattening us up as future Soylent Green.
I’m convinced that there’s a secret shadow cabal of fast food kingpins who meet in a dark boardroom once a year. In this dark enclave they enter into a hidden gamble on who’s chain can create the newest, biggest, grossest product to destroy us. I figure that’s why they created the meat abomination Wendy’s calls the Baconator. Not to be outdone, McDonald’s reigned down the McNugget apocalypse, which allowed you to gorge yourself on 50 McNuggets for a measly ten dollars. I knew people who bought that with the intent on MAYBE splitting it with one other person. We survived all of these, so one year a tall man stepped forth in the dark boardroom, and a cyborg, life supported Colonel Sanders suggested the greatest monstrosity the fast food world had ever seen, the Double Down sandwich. This arterial warhead, for those of you who may have missed it, was a sandwich comprised of bacon and cheese, where instead of bread, like a normal human being would be content with, the outer layers are fried chicken. You heard that correctly, its a sandwich made of, not filled with, fried chicken. I guarantee when the first guy over three hundred pounds ordered one, his heart looked like the white house scene from Independence Day.
The helicopter is a metaphor for self respect
Even worse is that we’re not just accepting these attacks on our bodies, we’re encouraging them and even helping create new horrific kitchen nightmares. Almost any fast food chain you walk into has a secret menu, filled with made to order abominations created by us, the consumer. I’m not just talking about some strange unique order you just came up with, like saying, “hmm I think I’ll try this with onions even though it doesn’t come with them”. I mean strange formulae that some obese garbage devouring wizard ordered so often, and told so many other people about that now these mad concoctions can usually be acquired simply by knowing what to ask for. Starbucks has a secret menu of drinks, most of which are frappucino flavors, and as many of their frap recipes don’t actually have any coffee in them, it kind of defeats the point of going to a fucking coffee shop for a drink. You’re basically ordering a 16oz cup of sugar. Don’t believe me? Look at this shit.
http://hackthemenu.com/starbucks/secret-menu/
That’s not even the worst offender in the world of the secret fast food black market. Five Guys has a burger with four patties, and instead of a bun its two grilled cheese sandwiches. If you know the alchemical formula, Subway will make you a pizza sub somehow, because you know, eat fresh. Chipotle will make you a burrito that’s wrapped in a quesadilla if you feel like seven dollars isn’t enough to pay for a burrito and you’d rather pay ten. Sonic will still sell you batter fried pickle chips, even though they were taken from the regular menu because no one wanted batter and grease fried pickle chips. Well nobody except the self hating human trash compactors, who long ago walked into their local McDonald’s, looked pensively at the menu, and said in a cold, clear voice “We can do worse.”
Until next time friends, have a salad.
-General Dopeness